Chastity and Contentment

Well, since the last post I had another adventure with the elastrator. 1 band for 30 minutes, 10 minute break. 2 bands for 20 minutes, 20 minute break. Finally, 1 band 30 minutes, while being brutally penetrated by the relentless fucking machine. Like the banding from the previous post, it was VERY effective, over 3 weeks with a numb cock, and over a month without cumming, which weirdly didn't freak me out as much as the first time. My cock is a pathetic specimen, useless except for jerking off, which by the end of that 3+ week period, I desperately wanted, needed, though I genuinely don't feel like I deserve the privilege of getting off like a real man.

Life got in the way again, and I fell back into routine, though I had somewhat gotten used to the pointlessness of trying to cum from the lack of sensation, so I haven't been jerking off, or trying to, very often lately. Maybe once a week or every other week. Then, 2 and a half weeks ago, I felt a need, a gut deep hunger to lock up my worthless cock. The urge hit without warning and with a desperation that left me breathless. I was out running errands at the time, and dropped what I was doing to get home and get locked up. The sense of *rightness*, of contentment that I felt as the lock clicked shut is indescrible. It was if I'd been sleepwalking for weeks and had finally woken up.

For the first time I can remember, I slept through the night, the first night of being locked. I'd chosen the super small metal cage without the urethral insert, and experienced no discomfort. By day 2 I barely registered that it was on, just that I was dickless again and it felt so fucking natural. By the end of the first week, the only time it registered that I even *had* a cock was when I'd have to clean the cage (while still locked of course) or take a piss. It was almost a rude shock to recognize I still had the pitiful appendage.

A couple days ago, I took the cage off for the first time in 2 weeks for a thorough cleaning of both my dick and the device. This was extremely hazardous because I was unsupervised since I don't have a key holder and I was (and still am) incredibly horny. But I love the intensity of that need and decided to edge for a bit to my porn of choice: ball busting, elastator cock and/or ball banding, chastity vids (especially where the lock boy is getting fucked), penectomy vids, and finished with solo jerk off videos of guys cumming, knowing I wasn't allowed to. What I'd intended to be a short 30 minute to an hour of edging consumed my whole afternoon, closer to 4 hours, my balls churning, my cock painfully rigid and throbbing, my breath short and strained with desire. And by the end of it, my dick felt strange in my hand. After blissing out for so long with porn, cock free of it's restraints, it felt wrong, and guilt settled in, guilt that I'd be pleasuring myself like a real man. That urge, that need to be locked hit full force and I stuffed my pathetic cock back into it's cage and didn't feel relief till that delicious click of the lock.

It's a couple days later now. I still barely ever notice the device or my useless dick unless I have to handle it. It feels so natural, so normal being without a cock. A small part of me is terrified by this, but the great part of me marvels, wonders at the beauty of being a perfect vessel to serve real men, to worship a cock worthy of adoration without the distraction of my worthless appendage.

I'm locked till at least my birthday later this month. I'll be unlocking for a leather play party and am looking forward to some intense and thorough ass play, but I suspect I won't stay unlocked for long. Self locking is trying, challenging. I know my self control isn't what it ought to be. I keep hoping I'll meet a man who wants a dickless boyfriend, who wants his cock to be the only one that matters in the relationship, who will use me in the bedroom as the cock worshiping, cum hungry, dickless faggot cumdump I want to be, and cherish me for the good person I am outside of it.    

Doubled down...

Well, all the sensation from the banding came back, and much quicker than last time.  The other difference is it seemed to come back all at once, where as after my previous cock-killing-banding-adventure, the feeling came back slowly, and sort of painfully, with burning and tingling.  I was able to edge on the first unlock, though not as much as Id have like.  The second unlock I had someone to help, but that's a story for a different time.

I've decided that since edging with no release is an option on the release wheel, I'm just going to do re-spins and release spins with the main Chastity wheel.  After editing the options, reloading the wheel and spinning, it's time to double down.  15 more days.  I noticed that this time I came awfully close to my dick's untimely demise, with penectomy as the next space as the wheel spun.  It's scary, but a serious turn on somehow.  I wish I knew how to explain it.  But then, if I did, I wouldn't have had to keep this particular kink secret from all my boyfriends over the years.

I'm gonna wait to spin the release wheel till the 15 days are up.  I sort of like the suspense of it.  If it's a "Edge - NO Release" slot, I don't want to know till it's time to re-spin.

New Adventures in Self Locking.

After my adventures the other day with the elastrator, I'd decided it was time for some self lock up.  Welcome to the Wheel of Misfortune, customized of course.  What I ended up spinning for this session is 5 days locked, unlocked to edge but not come, 5 more days locked, unlocked to edge but not cum, and 5 more days locked before the release wheel.  As you can see, there are a couple, erm... extreme options on the wheel, but that's what makes this more exciting.  And that final spin landed awfully close to "Castration."

And this was the Release Wheel.  Looks like I'll be pulling out the fucking machine in a couple weeks.  Hopefully I'll have enough feeling back in my cock to actually cum, but if not, I'll just have to respin and hope for the best.  This one has a little scarier odds. 1 in 10 spins could be irrevocable, but it still adds to the thrill of the game.  Just wish I had enough feeling to cum before starting the clock, but I can't feel anything still.  I'll unlock to clean good, and to hear that delicious "click" of the lock and know it'll be almost a week before I even see my cock again.  Wonder if I'll be so lucky the next time I spin...